A day in the life

In yesterday's post I mentioned that Annie is the shit and hasn't warranted much writing about lately. Forgetting whether or not that’s rude, and the fact that pain is what drives this blog, something can be said about the true root of my silence. As anyone with children can attest, life just happens to go on no matter the situation, good or bad. I love Annie more every day. She learns more and more every minute we spend together. Yet, life goes on and even the most beautiful thing you can imagine threatens to become commonplace. We find ourselves waiting for the big moments and taking for granted the small ones.

Some of this comes from the fact that with all of the literature out there every parent knows the “timelines” that children are on. I wish that I wasn’t told at every turn of the page what is coming next. I know that around seven months Annie will crawl. I knew around six months that she would sit up. And due to the competitive nature of parents I know that right around the time of our second child’s birth, I should begin waiting with baited breath for Annie to walk. Where is the romanticism of that? Are there no surprises left?

But pawning off my complacency with regard to this space on society is unfair. After all, it’s up to me to either show you the true value and excitement of my life, or, well, actually be excited about it. And truthfully, I am. I just can’t imagine the joy that you, my reader, will get out of the following. Please do inform me though, if this is the kind of thing you enjoy.

7:00 A.M.-Alarm clock (that I set every night, even though my wife is the one who has to get up for work) goes off and snooze button (that I press every morning even though my wife is the one who has to get up for work) is promptly pressed for the first of three times.

7:09 A.M.-Hear Annie whimper for first time through baby monitor. Where is the snooze button on that thing?

7:18 A.M.-Get out of bed and put on robe (enjoy freshly washed bleach smell) and walk to kitchen to make first of five bottles. Wonder if my super kid can hear me shaking the bottle through her closed door.

7:18:30 A.M.-Wife and I first open bedroom door and Annie pokes her head up over the bumper (don’t fret it’s breathable) and gives us the biggest smile her chubby little jowls will allow and lets out a coo that could melt your heart. She then broadly reaches for us and receives the first of 17,000 kisses of the day. This is my favorite part of the day, bar none

7:19 A.M.-Change diaper, no poop (that was changed before midnight, thus excluding it from witty blog entry encompassing a day in the life) but full o’ pee.

7:23 A.M.-Turn on Morning Joe on MSNBC and sit with Annie on couch for downing of first bottle.

7:26 A.M.-Burps galore. Wife jumps in shower. Learn that John McCain won primary. Annie cries because she believes this lessens the chance of Mayor Mike entering presidential race.

7:58 A.M.-Wife emerges from bathroom and I admire her glowing little belly. She takes Annie from me and sits on the couch with her while I make the first of two pots of coffee (decaf for her, full on for me).

8:25 A.M.-Wife leaves for work. Wait, not yet. She steals five more minutes of snuggle time with Annie.

8:30 A.M.-Okay, now wife leaves for work.

8:35 A.M.-On wife and mother in law’s advice, feed Annie warm cereal in bowl (apparently she needs to start eating more solids) and promptly watch her make the same face as the guy on those old Keystone “Bitter Beer Face” commercials.

9:00 A.M.-Turn off Morning Joe (how many times can you listen to the same stories?) and wonder why John Edwards ever let it leak that he gets $600 haircuts. He was doomed from then on.

9:01 A.M.-Wonder why John Edwards’ hair doesn’t look that good.

9:04 A.M.-Sit on bedroom floor with Annie on one of the quilts that her mother made for her. Wish that I had drive and talent to take on projects like that and think how much I love her for it. Play with Whoozit (crazy, round, plush, multi-armed, multi-sound making, black and white face thingy).

9:11 A.M.-Wonder what Annie wants to play with.

9:37 A.M.-Read to Annie from book (Bill Bryson’s A Walk in the Woods) while she tries to tear out the pages.

9:46 A.M.-Contemplate parallels between overweight writer walking 2,100 rocky miles and raising of children.

9:55 A.M.-Annie falls over face down on quilt and falls momentarily asleep.

9:55:10 A.M.-Annie “wakes up” crying and I put her in my patented sleeper hold…belly to chest, one eye buried in my shirt, legs wrapped around my side (note: all body parts mentioned are baby’s).

9:58 A.M.-Put Annie down for nap.

10:00 A.M.-Grab third cup of coffee and check email and begin working on writing project.

11:35 A.M.-Annie wakes up, and after the changing of first poop of day (peanut buttery in consistency and milk chocolaty in color…very nice) she has second of five bottles.

11:36 A.M.-Watch two episodes of The Office on DVR and am stunned by fact that Comcast’s service didn’t cut out during recording.

11:52 A.M.-Another diaper change…just pee.

12:19 P.M.-Wife comes home for lunch with surprise sandwich from best attempt at a local deli that is not a chain store based in Texas.

12:25 P.M.-Wonder how Muffaletta sandwiches have not become global phenomenon on level of Cabbage Patch Kids or electricity. For you readers outside of LA, you know not what you are missing. These sandwiches are reason enough for you to make the trip here…forget that you haven’t seen Annie in months.

12:31 P.M.-Feed Annie second “solid” meal of day. This time have mercy on her taste buds and serve a mushy pear and blueberry combo.

12:45 P.M.-Cable guy shows up to replace cable box (see 11:36) and gives us newer version of the one we had. It won’t help, but the more times Comcast sends a technician to my house the more I feel I’m at least getting my money’s worth from them. Think about the cost of gas these days.

1:17 P.M.-Wife leaves for work again (gives Annie her 8,758th kiss of day) and Annie and I resume playing on floor while listening to Tony Kornheiser via internet.

1:25 P.M.-Change Annie’s diaper…Whoah!...she has taken second poop of day (a little thicker than first and a lot more green) and hyperbole aside it is as big as one of mine.

1:36 P.M.-Annie is so tired that she falls over and hits head on plastic toy leaving octagonal mark on cheek. She’s crying.

1:40 P.M.-Decide to give Annie her third bottle of day so that she doesn’t go down for nap and wake up half an hour later looking for food.

1:50 P.M.-Sleeper hold.

2:15 P.M.-Sit at computer. Check email. Procrastinate. Wonder what to write about for neglected blog.

3:43 P.M.-Annie wakes up from nap. Wonder how first 31 entries of witty blog entry encompassing a day in the life took 83 minutes to compose.

4:16 P.M.-Watch Annie rifle through new favorite toy (large bucket filled with 26 other toys) as if she were down and out forty-something, the bucket was a bin, and the toys were 3 for $11 movies at Wal-Mart.


4:30 P.M.-PTI starts and Annie gets her second of two prescribed doses of Mr. Tony.

4:31 P.M.-Get call from mother in law and find out that she has to cancel her trip here this weekend because she has bronchitis. Proceed to ponder how sad this makes me and realize how lucky I am to have a mother in law whom I love so much.

4:35 P.M.-Give Annie fourth bottle of day and watch her promptly spit half of it up on shirt.

4:46 P.M.-Feel like weekend is ruined.

5:00 P.M.-Half an hour break between PTI and NBC Nightly News which we of course fill with a little Mike and The Mad Dog, also via internet. Question whether or not Annie watches/listens to too much sports?

5:14 P.M.-Feel nostalgic for New York. Mike and Chris conjure up New York like the smell of warm pretzels smoking on the street, a slice of steaming pizza at De Marco’s, or meeting up with friends at the bat before a game.

5:30 P.M.-News starts. Watch shirtless. Nothing to report of interest though. Wait, did you know the housing bubble burst?

5:32 P.M.-Bored, Annie goes old school and falls asleep face down on my chest. I miss those old days where the only place she slept was in my arms. It’s crazy how something that was so difficult at the time is the thing I miss most. Realize this is why people decide to have more than one child

5:45 P.M.-Smell top of Annie’s head and wish to myself that she would stay asleep for about the next six days.

6:00 P.M.-Wife walks through the door and Annie, sitting on the floor again, beams.

6:05 P.M.-Put Annie in “Johnny jumper” in the doorway and she works on her vert for a half hour before her bath.

6:33 P.M.-Bath time with Annie. No matter how tired she is she loves to be in the bath. She sits up now, yet does not realize that this is how you get maximum splash.

6:38 P.M.-Make sure that the crevasse between Annie’s third and fourth chins is cleared of any cheesiness.

6:45 P.M.-Prop freshly dried baby up on changing table to have her body lotioned and her but Vaselined, thoroughly.

6:47 P.M.-Re clean then Vaseline the crevasse between Annie’s third and fourth chins, just in case.

6:58 P.M.-Read haltingly to Annie from The Secret Garden while wife rocks her and gives her fifth and final bottle of the day.

7:03 P.M.-Give Annie number 17,000 and leave wife to finish off bedtime while I start dinner. Finish witty blog entry encompassing a day in the life so that I can get some rest before the start of another beautiful day.