April 14, 2008

Sonic Anyone?

I’ve been conspicuously straddling a line lately. Unfortunately, it’s a line that I don’t want to acknowledge. Since I began my life as a sedentary stay at home dad this has become more and more difficult. Every day a new sign that I need to make a change reveals itself; a photo of some old guy throwing horseshoes at the beach who turns out to be me, or Annie’s discovery of a new favorite drumming surface.

The line I stand here straddling is the line between regular Joe, who hasn’t been skinny since college, and fat Joe, who may or may not be starting to stoop. Before the start of my new career, I was still able to suck it in when the situation called for it and keep most of my dignity. Now I fear that those days are over. There comes a time when a man has to cut ties with the old and embrace the new. Every time I try and suck it in now I look like one of those guys who goes to the bar, hits on girls that are twenty years younger then him, and refers to his jeans as dungarees.

To top it off, I just found out that my cholesterol is high. This additional complication is easily be explained by our stay in Louisiana (we fry just about everything down here), but it still needs to be addressed along with Abe. Oh, that’s the name of my new stomach. My problem, of course, is that when you are home all day it becomes very easy to say, eat a whole box of Cheez-Its while watching PTI. When you couple that with my lack of exercise, you get one fat daddy.

Stage one of evicting Abe is to start shopping more healthily. Gone are all of the processed foods from the cupboard. They have been replaced with fruits, vegetables and nuts. Gone is the 2% milk, replaced with 1%; no I won’t start with skim, I would truly rather die. Gone is the butter, replaced with margarine. Gone is the half and half for coffee…ha, if you know me at all you know I’d rather eliminate a leg. Gone, sadly, is my French press. It turns out that when you brew coffee by pressing it you take in significantly more cholesterol. In one study, the people who pressed their coffee had a 10% increase in LDL (that’s the bad one).

All of this should add up to lower cholesterol and a smaller, more svelte Abe. I don’t really know how long this will take, but I figure re-testing when we get back to New Jersey (that’s the armpit of America goincrazee, okay?) would be a good time. We will no longer be in the saturated fat belt, and with two kids I’ll be running around enough too lighten up two fat dads.


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