The Bird

Throwing up. Whining. Waking me up in the middle of the night. Erratic pooping schedule. What’s that you say? Tough week with Annie? Hmmph, I only wish. The member of my family that causes me the most consternation is our beloved dog Zoe. She’s ten years old and still does all the things that a puppy does. Never in your life will you meet a more attention desperate being. She’s the kind of dog that you can pet for an hour, and when you get up off the couch to grab a drink she scratches you, turns up her sad brown eyes and says, “What, you think you’re done?”

Normally during the day she steers clear of Annie on account of her incredibly pullable ears, but we’ve seen much more of her this week as she has been a little under the weather. Like usual, this is her own doing. Two nights ago I heard a gurgling noise and thought that the faucet in the bathroom was leaking. After a few hazy, sleepy minutes however, I pinpointed the sound to Zoe’s stomach. Uh-oh. She soon settled down and the next morning all seemed well. Annie and I went to Dad’s day out and when I got back from the supermarket I kicked off my sandals preparing to write. The moist, squishy feeling of dog vomit was not what I expected upon entering the kitchen.

I peered down and saw that it was not the usual fare. Well, not for most dogs. I was standing in a tattered ball of dog hair, partially digested Pedigree, and a dryer sheet. Dryer sheets will definitely upset your stomach. When I went into the bedroom to check on Zoe I found an identical ball on the bathroom floor. Two dryer sheets will usually put you in a coma. Luckily for Zoe her day improved after these regurgitations. Her poops were normal and she was even happy to let Annie tug those tantalizing ears of hers.

This morning dawned bright with new vigor and zeal from our little puppy. She was bouncing off the walls to go out and enjoy the day. My wife went into the closet to put on her shoes and did a double take before figuring out what lie at her feet. Another Zoe special, only this time with a mystery attached to it. A wool belt from one of her sweaters was half balled up and covered in saliva. On top of this mess was the third (and final?) dryer sheet. Why would Zoe try to eat a four foot long belt? The best I can do is that she used it like a lure and hooked that pesky sheet so that she could pull it out.

At this point, one can only wonder if there are more down there somewhere. It’s hard to believe, but who would have thought even three could fit? I guess when you think about it, a fourth or fifth would be less than surprising. To illustrate this, the below list details some of Zoe’s past digestive highlights.

1. One 12 inch piece of packing tape
2. One large beetle off DC street
3. One large pine cone off DC street
4. One large, live rat off DC street (attempted),(twice)
5. One apartment’s worth of own fur (methodically vacuumed all corners)
6. One dead bird (whole)

And this is just what we have either seen go in or out. The list, if Zoe made it, would be much, much longer. Have you ever seen that guy who ate an airplane?