A day in the life, or. Only three hours in the life

10:39-Start witty blog post in which I detail to you, the reader, how it is that I am going to get through my first extended period alone with two children under fourteen months old.

10:40-Instantly cheat by having my wife put Annie down for her nap before she goes out shopping at Ikea.

10:40:30-Realize I got the better end of today’s bargain

10:45-Ask my wife to get my iPod out of the car before she leaves for her shopping tip.

10:45:03-Get dirty look…become martyr.

10:46-Get iPod for myself just so I can blog about it.

10:55-Use bathroom with Matilda in sling and wonder if DYFS can put me in jail for it.

10:59-Pick up The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou where I left off last weekend. Watching a Wes Anderson movie always leaves me speaking in a certain dry, direct manner. Funny.

11:06-Feed Matilda. Type with one hand.

11:23-God I love Bill Murray. “Remind me…we’ll send him a red cap and a Speedo.”

11:41-Good movie. Great soundtrack as usual. I feel stupid for waiting so long to see it, I loved Rushmore.

11:51-Put Matilda down for nap in her swing—pretty much the only place she consistently sleeps. She is already light years ahead of Annie who only slept in my arms. The second baby is forced to adjust so much faster. I feel a bit guilty about how much less Dad time the two of them are getting. I console myself by saying, “Self, this is how well adjusted children are made.”

11:55-Transfer newly downloaded music from emusic to my iPod. Today’s menu: Sufjan Stevens, My Brightest Diamond, Built to Spill, Bobby Bare, Jr, and Freddie Stevenson. I’ll put up some tracks later.

11:59-Why is it that when someone starts something in this internet age and wants a cool name for it they don’t capitalize the first letter? Is emusic that much cooler than Emusic? Is my iPod more cutting edge without the capital I? Who knew Capital letters were so establishment?

12:05 to 12:13-Take an online employment survey and laugh out lout at how many different ways they can ask if a person smokes marijuana. I almost got tripped up by “Smoking marijuana is just like drinking alcohol.” I worry about this country sometimes.

12:17-Matilda is up. Kind of a short nap. Annie shouldn’t be too far behind and then things get interesting.

12:32-Make one handed hot dogs for me and one handed mac and cheese for Annie. Boiling water with a baby in a sling is very, very scary.

12:52-Put Tilda in swing. Run upstairs. Change Annie. Marvel at disparity between size and smelliness of Annie poops in relation to her age. Run downstairs. Fix plates. Blog and eat and feed.

1:00-One handed eating, typing, feeding and baby soothing. If my back survives today someone better pat me on it.

1:07-Wish that my wife’s car had GPS so that I could see how close she is to home. This is not like having one kid.

1:11-Just spilled glass of water for Annie all over floor and utter first F-word of the day. I cleaned it up with one hand and one foot and then left the towels where they were. Should I be sweating like this?

1:13-Wipe hands on my pants because I just can’t get up again.

1:18-Fuck. The water spilled again and is now making a giant spot on the rug.

1:26-Infant crying.

1:34-Toddler crying. Make note to never feed them together again.

1:37-Never, ever, I mean ever, buy a Playtex sippy cup. What a piece of crap. Annie looks like she just went swimming.

1:41-Wow. My wife is home. She was only gone for three hours. That was not fun.

1:46-Skip editing. In relation to what I just experience, how could typos matter.

1:47-Realize that I actually did not get the better end of this bargain.